poems

I wonder what you’re doing

Since I’m not around

But I’m not going to ask

If you wanted me to know

I just assume you would tell me

So I just wonder

Days may turn into weeks

Which turn into months

Of you living your life

And me living mine

Both of us

Just trying to squeeze as much out of it as we can

So who am I to stand of the way of that

I would never

And sometimes

The closure you so desperately want

Isn’t the one you receive

And that’s okay.

When I can’t think of an excuse to talk to you

We talk through my poems

And our memories carry the conversation

Because whenever it’s time for you to go

I want you to stay

Or at least ask me to come along

I stay off my phone when I’m with you now

Looking at the time can be a real drag

Reminding me that this to will end.

It feels like we are the only people though

When we are together

And I’m almost surprised when I see someone else

Guess I’ve become a lot less aware

At least during the pockets in time we spend together

Which almost feels infinite

Almost

Until you depart

Then I’m back

As if I was in trance most of the day

And the dopamine that was flooding my body

Has returned to normal

And everyday is another day

Until I see you again

As if I forgot what you looked like

And was not thinking about our last interaction

The smile I have when I see you is hard to hide

So I look up at the sun to avoid eye contact

And when my head comes down and is level

I’m squinting at you

Like I can’t see you there

But I still feel you

Even without touch

My heart races

So why bother fighting it?

And pretend to not enjoy it

When being with you is like being at the fair

And when you go to bed

You dream about the memories you made

And think about the next time you get to go there.

• 

I never stopped honestly

Just couldn’t give it to myself

So I didn’t know how to show it either

I couldn’t feel it burning

So I stopped showing it to everyone

I should have talked to you about it

Or at least someone

Because seasons went by

In that same mindset for longer than I want to admit

Not feeling myself

I wasn’t present

Only thinking about the future

Which seemed to get bleaker and bleaker

As the leaves kept changing

I could see your light going out

And at times I think about moments I said something

I did not mean

Or didn’t say something I was feeling

I was so scared

Because even then I knew it was a matter of time

I was just so down

And started putting up walls that we tore down together

At least we thought

I gave up on myself

And that became apparent to you as well

Which is disappointing

Which is why it feels like I’m in park

Trying to prove that it was an anomaly

And not me I suppose

But I think you know that

At least I hope

And can feel the difference

But I get the hesitation

To feel so isolated by someone that you start to look inwardly

I mean I do get it

I wouldn’t trust them either

Not in the same way at least

I guess is why I’m more present now

Which I’m sure is frustrating for you

To see a change after the fact

I am sorry

I worked very hard though to get out of it

Not knowing where you would be on the other side of that

Hopefully happy

With or without me

But I do still have my own selfish wants and needs

Which is why I go to sleep

And close my eyes

And dream

It’s several months earlier

And things are not what they are now

But also not what they use to be.

I don’t think people are ready
I haven’t reached it
Not yet
We all have potential for who we can be
And I think the rarity of people of achieving this
Must be astronomical
I know I haven’t but I’m working towards something great
I have to be
There has to be something that makes this all worth while
And i don’t know
Make it all make sense
Because I can feel myself being anxious
But I think that’s great though
To be thinking about succeeding so bad you get nervous
Makes you work that much more
On yourself

I can’t answer that

It’s not that simple

All I can tell you how I’m feeling right now

As unsatisfying it is to hear

Right now I would say never again

I’m happy with something else

I do not want to dwell on the past or future

Because this is my present

I’m sorry

You seem so sad

Be happy

It was too late

I care about you though

And I’m proud of you.

It just wouldn’t workout for me

I don’t think

• 

In another world I may feel differently.

It might not have bothered me as much.

It wouldn’t be something that I recalled.

And I wouldn’t feel the emptiness you have left from your departure.

If every relationship takes a piece out of you

You occupied the biggest.

Maybe that’s why it has been hard to accept

It would explain the memories.

Or at least why I can’t forget some.

It seems we did everything together

We must have

Because whatever is going on you seem to be relevant

If someone says something that reminds me of you.

I’ll just bite my tongue.

I no longer have a reason to bring it up.

Or really you for that matter I suppose

Which feels kinda awkward

To not talk about someone you are thinking about

Like I’m keeping a secret

But not by choice

But a feeling of obligation

Or I guess because that’s just what you’re suppose to do

But what I do miss

I write in this

Because my secrets are always the safest in here

They listen

And I’m able to just talk their ear off

Knowing they won’t interject

From the outside

It must seem unhealthy

To be constantly fidgeting with the same ideas

Relentlessly

If you were only able to come inside

And feel the weights falling off my shoulder

As if writing this makes the feelings less present

But it does

Because I know my thoughts are safe here

And I won’t be told I don’t have a right to feel this way

I don’t write to convey the truth

I write to convey how I’m feeling

Fair or unfair

No one will tell me I’m wrong

But I don’t even really want to be right

I want to be heard and understood

And the pages that my words rest on provide that.

• 

Since you can’t be the poet then you can be the poems

And the feelings I can only express in words

Will liter the pages of my notebooks

Never running out of things to say

My mind is constantly flooded with the things I want to say to you

That spill into my dreams

Writing them down might help with that

Because my heart races

And maybe if I appreciated these moments more I would be able to more often

But it’s taunting

To want to hold someone you can not touch

And share a breath with someone you can not kiss

So you just watch

And think about the feeling

And smile at the little mannerisms

Only when they aren’t looking

Because if I’m caught

I would have to explain

Which could unleash an avalanche of words

That would be overwhelming for anyone

But in the end could be inevitable.

Which I hope we are both ready when that happens

Because I’ve been yearning for your touch

And being able to show you the immense amount of love I have for you

But the only difference I can show you is me

But when that was the biggest change that was needed will that be enough?

I’m not sure

But I do hope

• 

At least I tried

An effort was made

In vein.

But I did attempt

It didn’t workout

But I couldn’t live with all the suspense

At least I know

So I guess that means I have to let go

But should’ve known and if I could go back in time

I suppose

There isn’t a guarantee

That things would be meant to be

Or end any differently

But who knows

Which gives me the freedom to express artistically

The ending that I want to compose

But doesn’t mean

I can escape the reality

And forget what I already know.

• 

The days feel the same just a little different

I wake up

sit and just think

About nothing in a particular really

How I would like to spend my day

Then how I’m actually going to spend it

Nothing is really stopping me

But at the same time

I can’t

If that makes sense

Which is cool I guess

Just an adjustment

I’m not down

Just feels something is missing.

Which is okay?

I don’t know.

It is a fact though

But doing nothing isn’t going to help

In the meantime

I guess I’ll stay busy

My mind and hands will constantly be elsewhere

And when I return to my bed

That’s when I can reflect

On what is exactly missing.

How I had lost it.

Things I would do differently.

It’s not regret .

I mean it is but healthy.

When I have something of that value again

I wouldn’t want to make the same mistakes

So I must think about all of the good

As well as all of the bad.

Because as much bad as there was.

The good was there as well.

And I do not mind remembering that at all.

• 

As the rain gently strikes my window

I can’t help but enjoy it

As it washes away everything that has occurred yesterday.

Forcing all the progress that has been made

To start over

It’s refreshing

Always feeling way over due for me

Reminding me how much I love it

It’s not that you forget things you love

It’s that you forget what life was without it

Constantly being in love

Makes you unaware that you are

Until it stops

Then it’s all you crave again.

That same love

But I could do without the thunder

Because even from the other side of this window

Closing my eyes won’t make it vanish

Reminding me

Of things I might try to forget and ignore

But are very present

So they must be dealt with

It’s the only way I can go back to enjoying the rain

So for now I step away from the window

Knowing though I will return.

Next time I will open my door and stand in it

Quietly with my eyes closed

Enjoying the amount of love I have for it.