I never stopped honestly
Just couldn’t give it to myself
So I didn’t know how to show it either
I couldn’t feel it burning
So I stopped showing it to everyone
I should have talked to you about it
Or at least someone
Because seasons went by
In that same mindset for longer than I want to admit
Not feeling myself
I wasn’t present
Only thinking about the future
Which seemed to get bleaker and bleaker
As the leaves kept changing
I could see your light going out
And at times I think about moments I said something
I did not mean
Or didn’t say something I was feeling
I was so scared
Because even then I knew it was a matter of time
I was just so down
And started putting up walls that we tore down together
At least we thought
I gave up on myself
And that became apparent to you as well
Which is disappointing
Which is why it feels like I’m in park
Trying to prove that it was an anomaly
And not me I suppose
But I think you know that
At least I hope
And can feel the difference
But I get the hesitation
To feel so isolated by someone that you start to look inwardly
I mean I do get it
I wouldn’t trust them either
Not in the same way at least
I guess is why I’m more present now
Which I’m sure is frustrating for you
To see a change after the fact
I am sorry
I worked very hard though to get out of it
Not knowing where you would be on the other side of that
Hopefully happy
With or without me
But I do still have my own selfish wants and needs
Which is why I go to sleep
And close my eyes
And dream
It’s several months earlier
And things are not what they are now
But also not what they use to be.
poems 