poems

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Not Yet

These words I rest on the clouds

So when I’m ready to tell them to you

They come down with wind

Softly blowing behind your ear

Enough that it feels like a whisper

I hope you love it

Because the things I crave to tell you are immense

I try to hold them though they leak onto these pages

I hope you feel them

But like when you can’t tell if it’s raining or not

Because I dream of having your attention

Just so I can be present with you.

Nothing would matter around

Except this moment

Which I would hope would never end

To feel the warmth between us without even touching

Just from each one your words coddling me

Making this seem so infinite

The laughs we have shared I keep in the front of my mind

So I never forget

My favorite moments have always seemed include you

I wouldn’t want that any other way

The things I want to tell you

Are not yet for me to say.

It’s like two strings hold each end of my heart and they are gently placed on a scale

Every second of everyday the scale tips one way or the other.

I don’t change by seasons but I do by moments and recently they been happening more frequent than they use to

Which may explain why I feel like I’m going through so much development

Mentally physically even emotionally.

It’s interesting

don’t know if I enjoy it or not.

But I have found that everyday you get to decide if it’s sunny or cloudy.

You simply can make the day what you want it to be just by your approach

And the emotions you may choose on the day won’t necessarily be a bad one.

There isn’t a benefit for being sunny internally every day

There is something to be gain with sadness, regret, anxiety.

You can come to the realization of who you are If you change the weather enough

And with that I mean who you want to become.

Which is what we all are chasing.

We are going after the future version of ourselves

An image we have designed very carefully.

But we don’t want to go through all heartaches and disappointment it would take to be that person.

So then we change the vision of them more and more till you can only picture the future being where you are currently at.

That’s maddening

Looking in the future and seeing only the present

And what if that starting place is dark?

That’s depression

Then you’ll have to rescue yourself from that

Which could end being very taxing

Yet if done properly will eventually just be development

So things be good or bad won’t discourage me

Because I’m just thankful for the emotion.

I lost my confidence when it comes to you.

When we talked I felt like I could say anything to get a response now I feel less interesting

I am trying to keep a conversation I’m not sure you want to have

It all feels less certain

I rarely bring myself up

When I do it’s just to continue the convo

But I have to add a question

Without that it’ll come to a close.

A door I’m constantly keeping my foot in or it’ll close automatically

You’re across the room it seems

Indifferent if the door stays open or not

You don’t hate that it’s open but if it were to close there are others.

I guess that’s true for everyone though

There are several doors everyday you make a decision on trying to keep open or not

Conversations you try to develop

And ones you don’t have interest in

Then the grey

Where doesn’t matter to you which way it goes

That’s where I seem to dwell.

But what kind of door it is depends on that person.

We assign value to the doors.

The hope is that you find someone that views the door the same way you do.

Closing and opening ones to try to do so.

I check then double nothing yet
I always want things instantaneous
I think that’s why it never comes
It’s easy to say if it’s meant to be it will be
But only when it is not you that has to wait and see
When it doesn’t haunt your dreams
While I personally over analyze everything
It’s a delicate balance
Between letting it play out and putting in an effort
Showing that you’re trying or coming off desperate
How silly is that though?
You should have a desperation for everything except this one thing
This delicacy everybody seems to need and crave and suppose to give unconditionally
One does not simply receive nor keep
You can overwork for it and under
Yet its suppose to come effortlessly
the whole thing never seems to workout for me I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum
And oh does it swing
The way I end up feeling at the end is more like a guillotine
But what can you do?
It’s not like I’m gonna stop trying.
So why complain.
I’m just making an observation.
My favorite memories seem to always come with some unlikely timing.
And that’s exciting.
The highs of it all makes it worth all of lows

I’m chasing a feeling I’ve had before
In the same direction I’ve run before

You never know though
Why would it be different?
When the only change you have to show them is you?
But was it only you?
It always takes two
How long?
But does that matter?
Not really
What are you gonna do in the meantime?
Keep self improving.
What if it doesn’t happen?
What if it does?
I use to pray for things I wanted.
Now I just pray for knowledge.
It’s crazy how you go from wanting super strength to being able to know the future.
Everything is so uncertain so you worry about putting time into the wrongs things. You’re suppose to go after what you want. But what if you’re chase the wrong things. I guess that’s why you pray because I’m not sure about my gut. But I want what I want I can’t really help that.

Im chasing a feeling I’ve had before
in a direction I’ve been before
With some help I wasn’t using before
and some effort I wasn’t giving before
And that’s all I can do.